I Know Where All the Grown Men Are

The Sauna.

So, I took the first step. I actually went by myself, endured the much feared overwhelming "blokiness" of it all, enjoyed it, and survived to tell the tale!!! In fact, I think I may have made them kind of uncomfortable. You know invading their space and all.

My gym has "Mixed Sessions" for boys and girls (suits required) plus Men only and Ladies only sessions. Unfortunately, the Ladies only sessions are during the week, so one of my greatest fears has been sharing that tight, intimate, hot, sweaty space with strange men. And, my fear was realised, but it really wasn't that bad! Do I sound like a pervert?

So, after my quite extensive 1 hour and 30 minute weekend programme in the Fitness Studio, I marched downstairs to the locker room with lots and lots of conviction, souping myself up the whole time saying things like "And now for your reward, Mrs. Lindsay!" and "Yes, you have worked hard, just think how lovely it will be to release all that tension and cleanse those pores!"

Well, I changed, strolled to the sauna in my flip flops and robe, popped the code in the door, and opened up to the blaring sounds of some sports news channel and a bunch of blokes barking one thing or another into some grand, tiled secret space.

I could see lockers, showers, and doorways. I considered leaving my robe in one of the lockers, but quickly dashed that dream - it was too much! It would be overload! Just, find the sauna, get in and sweat. I nearly turned around and ran out as the voices grew louder, but just then I saw a foggy glass door with the words "Turkish Room" on a plaque above. I yanked the handle and dashed in. Empty. (yes!!!)

Two minutes later 2 tubby middle aged men barge in like they own the place (and I consider that perhaps they do?). They speak a foreign language that I really want to believe is Turkish and sit on the bench cross legged and directly opposite each other (leaving me cringing in the middle, eyes shut, playing a game of chicken.) Who's gonna outlast who? I'm good at this game. It's a defense mechanism I use. They soon leave. I know I've won because they only stayed about 3 or 4 minutes.

Then comes John Locke. I swear, it was John Locke (from Lost). He steps in and very casually says "Hello" as if I were some kind of Kate sunbathing on a rock at the lagoon or something. I say, "Hello" and bow my head in.. prayer? thought? I don't know, it just seemed like the thing to do. We get into a rythm, me and this John Locke, we're breathing and relaxing, accepting each other's presence, coming to terms with it. He's only wearing swim trunks and I have on a bathing suit and a full robe - pretty ridiculous, but whatever. It was a uniform to get me through that first session.

This understanding we have reached is soon invaded by Stereotype Bloke. That's right, he was a stereotype. You know that masculine, selfish, type - a little bit gross, a little bit self absorbed? Well, it was him. He interrupted mine and John's "Zen moment." First he started making throat clearing noises, which I thought I could cope with. But, then he started blowing his nose - without a tissue or a towel or a even a hankie. I don't really want to think about that too long. But, I persisted. I did not want him to win! Well, out of nowhere he pulls out his shaving kit. He applies shaving cream and goes for it. John had had enough by this point and he abandoned me. Left me sat there with this strange gym creature.

I stayed maybe 5 minutes, decided I had enough too. I had achieved my dream, broken a barrier. I can go back with confidence and know what to expect.

My next goal is to identify a "quiet time" and really enjoy it. I got some of the benefit this time - it was very good to breathe and people watch, but I would love to go and just be present with myself. Maybe slide the robe off and sit in my bathing suit, really experience the heat vapors and the silence, just me and my body.